” Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again”
-Even When It Hurts (Praise Song), Hillsong United
There was a time, not long ago, that life had beaten me down, only to bring me back up again just to cut me at my knees. When I was a freshman, during the Fall of 2014, I thought I had it. College wouldn’t effect me the way it did others and for a little bit it didn’t. I was keeping to the image of who I thought I was. Of course the second semester everything started going down hill…In Spring 2016, I was in an abyss of depression, struggling to get up every morning and couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I felt completely and utterly alone despite being in a crowd and partying made it worse. I didn’t know why I continued to go to class, although half of the time I skipped. I didn’t know why some people bothered to be around me because I didn’t want to be around me. I didn’t know why all of what happened, happened to me. I couldn’t stop thinking about the girl who against all odds, graduated with a 4.3 GPA in the top 10% of her class and 12 scholarships to take with her to any school she chose, ended up becoming the disappointment she fought so hard against.
Things began to look up for a quick moment when I landed the pre-med student dream job as a sophomore: a medical scribe. I was so ecstatic! I thought this was the sign that things were going to be looking up. I ended up losing my uncle a month later. I couldn’t focus on my medical scribe training when my uncle was constantly on my mind. How can someone be there one minute and the next gone? Somehow I managed to pass my training and become a ‘legit’ medical scribe. I didn’t have much time to consider my feelings since on top of being a medical scribe, I was working a second job, and was taking two summer classes. In other words, I’d work overnight shifts at the hospital from 10 pm- 7 am or 9pm-6am, drive straight to campus for my 8 am, sometimes stopping at the library to do some studying or a nap then had my second class at 10. I’d go into work 12 pm, get off at 5 and either I’d go to the library to study or rush home to get some sleep before my 10 pm shift.
Within a month, my aunt died and I was put back on training for being a medical scribe. I was lost, furious, and confused. I couldn’t come up with a single reason as to why my aunt and uncle had to die, honestly I still don’t know. Who knows, maybe if they didn’t I could’ve focused more and been a better scribe? But what I do know, is nothing is by accident. Now, take into consideration, while I haven’t been diagnosed at this point, I was battling depression and social anxiety since I started college. Of course, these were things I was battling from a younger age, but the severity of them hadn’t kicked in until university. I felt like my life was spiraling out of control. As I began dreading going into work every day, I began praying- I mean truly praying.
For me, I’ve always expressed my emotions through the music I was listening to and attempt to sing. I came across Oceans by Hillsong United, and I sung that song with all of my heart in the shower and during my car rides. Each and every time I cried not because the song was and is beautiful- although it is- but because it was the song of my heart at that time. I didn’t know what to say or if I was allowed to talk to God. I mean, I didn’t even know anything about Him or how everything came to be what it is…all of my past sins and mistakes, I couldn’t help but doubt that He would want or could even use a worthless pathetic person like myself. Who could ever want me? However, I couldn’t stop my tears from flowing down my face in the showers, during the car rides by myself, or at night when everyone was asleep nor could I stop myself from pouring my heart into that song every time I played it. I wasn’t sure if He heard me, but it turned out He did.
Anyways, it was during that summer, before everything changed for me, that I found a solution to all of the problems in my life. As someone once said, I’m unsure of who but I do not take credit for it: When you can’t stand, kneel. – Unknown So while I felt like everything in my life was falling apart, it was actually falling into place. I believe when we are hurting, it’s because God is working within our lives- even when we aren’t hurting- He is. It can be so difficult to pray when you’re hurting, for me it is, but the more I practice consulting the Holy Spirit before my decisions, spending time with the Father every day, and kneeling every day I find it easier to remember that as a daughter of a King, that nothing is to destroy me because while the devil may have “meant [for it to be] evil against me, God meant it for good.” Genesis 50:20
So I urge you, if you are having trouble keeping you head held high through all the hurt that’s going on in your life, don’t. For just a moment, bow your head and fall to your knees. Even if you have no words and only tears, know that He sees our tears as prayers too.
Even when the fight seems lost,
I’ll praise You